Do you hate to say no? Do you typically end up saying sure since you don’t need to make others really actually really feel unhealthy?
Efficiently, I do, and I can relate. I was horrible at saying no till I seen that repeatedly saying “sure” was digging myself correct proper right into a ditch and led me with little time for my private targets and relationships.
On this episode of The Private Excellence Podcast, I share 6 tricks to say no that I’ve been making use of, together with private examples:
- Tip #1: Know what it is best to say sure to [00:57]
- Tip #2: Know that saying no is okay [04:43]
- Tip #3: Many little yeses to irrelevant factors, or mildly related factors, even when small, can deviate you out of your predominant intention [08:26]
- Tip #4: Be trustworthy about it [13:22]
- Tip #5: Give decisions (for people who like) [19:04]
- Tip #6: Do a life audit for people who’re getting a excessive noise sign [20:04]
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How To Say No [Transcript]
Welcome to the Private Excellence Podcast, the present that’s all about serving to you be your finest self and reside your finest life. Now, your host, Celestine Chua!
Celestine Chua: Hey all individuals! Welcome to The Private Excellence Podcast Episode 6. I’m Celestine Chua from PersonalExcellence.co. Throughout the present day’s matter actually hits residence for me. It’s about uncover methods to say no.
I don’t discover out about you, nonetheless I was actually unhealthy at saying no. In a approach I nonetheless am. Nonetheless I’ve realized to be so much elevated at it. In case you may be any particular person who has concern saying no, correct now I need to share with you six ideas that have labored considerably successfully for me and I hope you’ll uncover them useful.
1) Know what’s it it is best to say sure to
My tip main is to know what it is best to say sure to. For me, after I merely give consideration to studying uncover methods to say no as an motion in itself, it turns proper into a niche quest. On account of my default self is to assist individuals. I need to modify to requests as hundreds as I can. And I need to be there for numerous individuals.
Clearly, this has its non-public implications. After fairly a number of conditions the place I merely saved saying sure, sure, sure to each single explicit particular person, request, and favor, I merely didn’t have any time for myself, for my targets.
Then as soon as extra, after I give consideration to the issues that I need to say sure to, which means my largest targets and desires, my Quadrant 2 duties, this helps me outline this clear imaginative and prescient of the true big priorities in my life. Let’s say I don’t have this clear imaginative and prescient. All the points can merely be necessary. Nevertheless, when framed into the context the place all of us have restricted time on Earth, all of us have sure ambitions to understand inside our lifetime, then it turns into clear that we now should prioritize the issues that we’re saying sure to, and subsequently no to the opposite factors.
For me, what I need to say sure to may be PE. All of you guys. Rising it, creating further content material materials supplies for you guys, creating further good purposes. Merely being there for all of you, by means of my content material materials supplies. And naturally, my family members, my relations. And my very private private progress and successfully being. These may be the most important rocks I must say sure to. So these priorities won’t ever change. They may merely be there, until the day I die.
Realizing these key big rocks areas into context the issues I need to say sure to, and the issues I need to say no to. As an illustration, let’s say any particular person could also be asking for a favor or pitching a proposal or an thought that’s not an excellent match for my enterprise. Then letting it drag on won’t assist my Quadrant 2 targets, and actually, waste the opposite explicit particular person’s time. It’s clear that I’ve to say no to the distractions, the issues that deviate me from my mission, together with time for my family members, my private successfully being, and sanity.
So my query to you is:
- What do it is best to say sure to?
- What are your largest targets and desires?
- What are your private ambitions?
By having this clear thought in your concepts, it helps you flip into further acutely conscious that — a few of the issues that you have been having concern saying no to? These are most actually factors that it’s worthwhile to say no to. By dragging on and saying sure to factors that you’d be not be 100% dedicated to or obsessive about, that’s not going serving to you uncover your highest targets and desires.
2) Saying no is okay
My tip quantity two is to know that saying no is OK.
Beforehand, I felt that after I say no, I is maybe thought-about an asshole. That individuals would hate me. That I’d merely be seen as being ungenuine, merely not being true to my mission. I didn’t need that due to I merely actually from the underside of my coronary coronary coronary heart ought to be there for everyone as hundreds as doable.
So I merely saved saying sure to each single request, favor, that purchased proper right here alongside my technique. In the long run, even with giving up my very private sleep and simply working all through the clock, I nonetheless didn’t have time for the targets that I must pursue, my very private priorities, and my family members, and far so much a lot much less my successfully being.
So I noticed the exhausting technique that saying no, not solely is it OK, nonetheless this may be very hundreds wished. For such a extremely very very long time, I merely tried so exhausting and tried my finest to not say no to individuals. On account of I felt that it wasn’t OK. Nonetheless I noticed that arduous and painful technique that this isn’t true and saying no is okay, and actually wished in quite a few circumstances.
What I’ve realized from this episode is that ought to you say no, it doesn’t point out that you just’re being impolite in every other case you’re not being true. If one factor, must you say no to 1 issue that you just’re not 100% dedicated to, and likewise you’re actually merely saying sure since you’re afraid to say no? That’s if you end up not being true. You’re not being true to your self and likewise you’re not being true to that individual particular person you is maybe saying sure to. On account of you don’t really actually really feel 100% dedicated to that set off or request or favor, regardless of the completely totally different occasion is requesting.
Being true signifies that you’re being trustworthy and actual by way of how you feel. If it’s a no-go, in every other case you don’t really actually really feel favor it’s one issue chances are high you will say sure to, then merely be trustworthy about that. That’s what it means to be truthful. It is doable you will’t anticipate all people’s query or requests would all the time be 100% aligned collectively together with your non-public wishes and expectations. Many conditions, they’re merely not going to be. That is considerably so in case you may be ready the place you typically get individuals pitching factors to you, the place individuals need your time and a highlight, or in all probability you’re a advisor that individuals would love your recommendation. You’d most actually end up in conditions the place there are factors that aren’t aligned collectively together with your non-public priorities and wishes, and it’s important to say no to.
When that occurs, that is 100% okay and customary. You shouldn’t really actually really feel that you just’re an asshole, or that you’re a dangerous explicit particular person, or that you just’re contained in the flawed due to that’s not true in the slightest degree. Folks say no commonly on this world, be in relationships or in enterprise. Saying no is required to let completely totally different individuals know that this isn’t aligned, this isn’t figuring out. Then they will swap on to look out the proper one who may be an excellent match for regardless of they’re requesting about.
3) Many little yeses to irrelevant factors can deviate you
My tip quantity three is to know that many little yeses to irrelevant factors, or mildly irrelevant factors — even when these items are small, they will lastly nonetheless deviate you out of your predominant intention.
That is furthermore one issue that I wished to notice for myself. I all the time attempt to accommodate completely totally different individuals’s wishes. I all the time need to ensure that everyone seems to be joyful, and there are no conflicts and so forth.
So that suggests that oftentimes to this point, I’d should say sure. Typically when it’s a extraordinarily clear-cut state of affairs the place it’s about saying no, I merely say no. Nonetheless then there are the conditions the place it’s merely one issue that requires a extraordinarily small quantity of your time. half-hour, two hours, one hour, regardless of. It’s solely a small dedication of your time, and in addition you then may be pondering, Yeah why not?
So doing that, I ended up saying sure to so many factors. It’s maybe a favor, a request, an invite to 1 issue, an interview with X publication, meetups, and so forth. Like every little issue! I merely saved saying sure due to I’d be pondering, Yeah why not? This appears as if one issue I can allocate a few hours to. And I merely genuinely wished to be there for every and all people who contacted me.
Nonetheless after years of doing that, my agenda turned flooded with individuals’s requests, desires, and wishes. Though every request would take in all probability half-hour, an hour or two or three, when added collectively, it turned an infinite load on myself. It acquired to a stage the place I used to be going loopy. I is maybe staying up late day-to-day, replying to emails or fulfilling sure factors that I had agreed to to this point. And since I all the time wished to place my finest foot ahead — I don’t take into consideration in agreeing to 1 issue after which merely doing it shabbily. I all the time really actually really feel like if I’m agreeing to 1 issue, I need to put my finest foot ahead to that. And I did. So Ken may be seeing me sleeping so late day-to-day, and he would all the time be expressing concern. I seen that I actually should be further watchful in how I allocate my time due to we don’t have limitless time on Earth.
This tip is completely about being discerning of the issues that you simply simply say sure to. On account of even when it’s only one small situation that appears mildly related and takes a bit little little little bit of your time, must you say sure to numerous these items, lastly you’re going to get deviated very far out of your predominant intention.
All by way of this complete interval the place I merely saved saying “Optimistic” and “Why not?” to the entire little factors which have been mildly related or that I believed I would offer just a bit little little bit of my time to, this resulted in me neglecting my complete Quadrant 2 targets for PE, be it content material materials supplies creation, article writing, and so forth. That merely made me really actually really feel depressing due to in making an attempt to say sure to each single little situation that was mildly irrelevant, ultimately, I ended up saying no to this large situation which is so necessary to me and impacts so many individuals on an unlimited scale.
This hyperlinks as soon as extra to tip main about realizing what it is best to say sure to. On account of must you’re merely saying though yeses to the entire little factors, lastly you’re merely saying no to that enormous situation you have to accomplish.
The query to you is: Is that this what you need? Would you significantly be spending your time doing little factors which is maybe mildly related to your wants, your targets, your life? Or do it is best to dedicate your vitality centered on doing these one, two, three big factors which will give you that almost all achievement must you uncover them?
Efficiently, the query is to you. I do know I need to choose the latter. That’s due to after I do the latter accurately, I’m going to impression reasonably extra individuals on a hundreds greater scale. That gives me reasonably extra which means, achievement, and happiness in life.
4) Be trustworthy about it
My tip quantity 4 is to be trustworthy about it.
I do know we may be actually robust to say no and communicate it to any particular person. Finally, we really actually really feel like we might be hated and we might look like we’re nasty people as quickly as we’re saying no. Some individuals could not take that accurately.
Nonetheless that’s not a set off to not say no. If one factor, it helps to solely communicate that set off immediately now, in order that the opposite explicit particular person can understand the way in which you actually really actually really feel. Versus dwelling contained in the charade and dwelling behind pretenses.
Really, quite a lot of the conditions, you wouldn’t even must present a set off for people who’re not precisely near the particular person. Nevertheless when there is also some sturdy preexisting relationship, and for people who merely ought to be trustworthy, then chances are high you will merely give the explanation if it makes you’ll really actually really feel elevated.
Event: As quickly as I mentioned no to a request
So a pair months so far, I obtained a request from any particular person and he was inviting me to affix his company on his board of advisors. This was a excessive honor. And that is any particular person who’s essential and of utmost standing. And I did consider that.
Nonetheless after I thought-about what I actually should say sure to… As what I discussed merely now, what I need to say sure to, like my big sure, may be to develop PE additional, to create all this good content material materials supplies for you guys which will make it simpler to in your progress. And to be there for the neighborhood. I’ve acknowledged from my earlier experiences that PE takes up an excellent diploma of my time. If I have been to allocate my time elsewhere, it will merely be diverting my time from what actually factors to me. It may be the form of nice-to-be-involved mission — like factors that I saved getting numerous over time and that I’ve mentioned sure to fairly a number of conditions, nonetheless ultimately it took up quite a lot of my time and vitality and left me drained on the top of the day with no time for my successfully being, relationships, and my most necessary targets.
So I seen that I wanted to say no, and it was about speaking that no. So then I replied to the e-mail and I drafted it out. I thought-about uncover methods to finest current my stance with out offending this explicit particular person. (I didn’t offend him.) I positively didn’t need should burn bridges.
After which I merely typed my e-mail after which deleted some stuff, after which typed some further. Left it there for a few hours. Acquired proper right here as soon as extra later to take a look at it with fashionable eyes to see [if there was] one factor that wanted amending. All through the strategy of typing that e-mail, I made a decision to be trustworthy versus arising with random excuses.
So yeah. I merely wrote actually about how I really actually really feel that as an honor, nonetheless I don’t really actually really feel like I may be concerned on this due to to take movement would take away time from a extremely extremely efficient targets and duties in my life. If I ought to be concerned in a single issue, I ought to be concerned in it 100%. Nonetheless I don’t really actually really feel I’m in a position to commit 100% to this situation, and because of that, I’ve to say no. After which I clicked ship.
After that, I used to be a bit bit anxious due to I used to be apprehensive that I would offend him.
Efficiently, in lower than a day, I obtained an e-mail reply from him. He mentioned he research the e-mail with a smile on his face and not at all even to emphasize about it due to he wasn’t offended in any technique in the slightest degree. And he merely wished me all the right. That was that! So in my concepts, I used to be apprehensive about whether or not or not or not I is maybe offending him, and I used to be spending a number of days fascinated about uncover methods to articulate my reply. He merely replied in lower than a day and simply mentioned, don’t sweat it!
A whole lot of conditions our worries about saying no, it will accurately merely be in our concepts, ? We could also be apprehensive about how individuals may very well actually really feel, might imagine, and so forth. And that’s with good set off clearly. On account of we don’t ought to be nasty individuals. We don’t ought to be impolite to individuals. We don’t should make individuals really actually really feel unhealthy if we’ll. I completely perceive that.
Nonetheless generally, in all probability sure people are actually merely articulating a request or suggestion. Presumably they’re doing the same situation to completely totally different individuals as accurately. Presumably they’re not even pondering an excessive amount of about that.
So versus inserting the burden of the world in your shoulders, in all probability what actually helps is solely being trustworthy in your communications and to not concern or suppose an excessive amount of about one issue till it has occurred. On account of because of the saying goes, over 90-95% of the troubles that we’ve got, are generally merely in our minds.
5) Give decisions
My fifth tip is to present decisions.
If it makes you feel elevated, chances are high you will advocate decisions. That is an elective tip. You don’t have to try this due to chances are high you will’t presumably be suggesting decisions to each single situation that you simply simply say no to, considerably for people who typically ought to say no.
Nonetheless, as and must you really actually really feel acceptable, you presumably can current some assorted choices that the particular person can consider. Let’s say any particular person desires you to get entangled inside the actual mission and chances are high you will’t. Then chances are high you will advocate one different explicit particular person for people who can ponder any particular person who may be acceptable.
You don’t primarily have to try this nonetheless for people who really actually really feel favor it’s one issue which can make you feel elevated, and chances are high you will present it with out important price in your finish, you then can current decisions.
6) Do a life audit
My sixth and supreme tip is to do a life audit for people who’re getting a excessive noise sign.
What do I point out by that? I’ve discovered that for each request, there’s all the time an analysis course of the place you is maybe pondering, Ought to I’ve interaction on this? Ought to I not? What are the trade-offs? What’s going on to it price? What do I’ve to place in? What might perhaps be the highest end result from this?
That’s named cognitive load. Cognitive load is that load in your concepts must you’re processing a reputation. Should you occur to’re coping with only one request or two requests, that cognitive load isn’t obvious. Nonetheless must you’re coping with a excessive quantity of requests for an prolonged time interval, you nearly actually will really actually really feel drained after a while — nevertheless chances are high you will’t actually perceive why.
So that you simply is maybe not doing hundreds, nonetheless you proceed to truly actually really feel a load in your concepts. That’s maybe cognitive load at work.
Let’s say you’re getting so many requests that require your psychological vitality to course of, to suppose by means of, and to weigh the professionals and cons. That’s maybe very draining. Ideally, it is best to lower down the variety of requests that it’s vital to course of and to extend the hit price. Hit price is the prospect of a request being acceptable with what you have to do.
In case you may be getting numerous requests that aren’t a match and that it’s worthwhile to repeatedly think about uncover methods to reject, then that is what I determine a excessive noise sign. Excessive noise sign which means that there’s a excessive ratio of requests which is maybe incompatible and subsequently the time interval “noise.”
So over time, I’ve been receiving numerous requests. Initially, inside the primary few years, it was manageable. After some time, it began to crush on me. It wasn’t one issue that was instantly obvious. This was one issue that merely began enhance over the months and years.
Only a few months so far, I began pondering, What am I doing? In that, I used to be feeling so weighed down by this excessive noise sign. Sadly, there’s merely hundreds noise on the Web today. Simply by the corollary of getting an Web presence, that furthermore implies that you just get a extraordinarily excessive quantity of spam and random requests from individuals not studying the directions on the contact web net web page. So I handled that draw again for fairly some time, after which I employed my assistant final 12 months who began to be concerned in serving to me cope with my e-mail and that helped me tons.
Nonetheless lastly, whether or not or not or not it’s e-mail processing achieved by me or my assistant, the entire state of affairs merely didn’t really actually really feel appropriate. In that, a extraordinarily very small minority of the e-mails which have been coming in have been a match for what I must pursue. Considerably as I acquired further readability on the necessary duties that I should be concerned in, which is maybe scale-based actions like creating content material materials supplies, engaged on on-line purposes at PE, merely creating the neighborhood at massive. It was so little like I think about final 12 months out of the 1000’s of e-mails that purchased proper right here in, lower than 5 have been a match for what I must pursue.
With this revelation, I seen that I wanted to analysis the communication channels on my net web page.
- I wanted to say no to 1-1 educating due to this was not a match with the scale-based path that I wished to enter. Like I actually profit from 1-1 educating. Nonetheless it was not attainable to deal with taking up 1-1 educating prospects due to it was taking my time away from completely totally different scale-based duties.
- It furthermore meant saying no meet-up requests which I’d get so much off due to these have been merely taking up numerous my time and vitality as accurately.
- It furthermore meant eradicating my e-mail from the PE contact web net web page due to quite a few people have been abusing it and sending factors that weren’t related to regardless of I discussed on that web net web page.
Doing that helped filter out numerous the noise.
So versus taking up all this time to ponder which e-mails have been price pursuing, which e-mails to archive and so forth, all this vitality can then be spent and invested correct proper right into a further constructive use. Like enhancing the ultimate platform. Creating new provides for all of you guys and so forth.
That is only one event. When there’s a excessive diploma of noise register your life, that means that one issue is misaligned and it’s one issue to look into.
A very completely completely totally different event: Let’s say you is maybe single and likewise you’re relationship. You’re looking in your preferrred relationship. Nonetheless presumably you’ve been getting so many various date requests. A whole lot of them are generally low-quality dates. Low-quality dates contained in the sense of dates that aren’t acceptable with you, your values, and the form of explicit particular person you’re looking for.
If that’s the case, it helps to do some audit. Presumably you is maybe merely going to the flawed areas to satisfy individuals. Presumably the dates that you simply simply’ve been getting, in all probability they’re coming from a specific channel, like a specific relationship app or relationship net web page, and doubtless the viewers profile on these websites or apps are merely not an excellent match for the form of explicit particular person you is maybe and the form of explicit particular person you’re looking for.
That is assuming that your relationship image, your relationship profile, that every little issue is already optimized and true to who you is maybe and the way in which through which it is best to current your self. Then presumably there’s one issue to be reviewed. Presumably it’s about going to a novel place to satisfy new individuals. Presumably is about exploring completely completely totally different channels, completely completely totally different apps, completely completely totally different relationship web sites. Primarily altering your approach versus perpetuating that cycle.
So the very best intention is to repeatedly enhance the processes in your life: one of many easiest ways in which you simply’re doing factors, the way in which through which you’re speaking with individuals. The suitable state of affairs is to get a healthful quantity of requests which is maybe a beautiful match for what you have to pursue which you’d readily say sure to. And there may be a excessive hit ratio.
Closing Keep in mind
I hope you’ve discovered correct now’s podcast useful. For added on uncover methods to say no, attempt my article on uncover methods to say no, at personalexcellence.com/weblog/say-no/.
Each podcast takes numerous work to create. Should you occur to happen to’ve discovered The Private Excellence Podcast useful in any technique, I would really, actually respect it for people who might take a number of seconds of the time to depart a optimistic ranking on iTunes. You’ll assist unfold the present to further individuals within the market, and to assist others of their journey of progress.
So thanks hundreds for listening. And I look ahead to talking to you guys inside the next episode. Bye guys!
Endnote: Thanks for listening to The Private Excellence Podcast! For added options on uncover methods to reside your finest life, go to www.personalexcellence.co
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